Taking A Stand

Dear, Innocent Readers.

I want to talk to you today about a very serious issue that is affecting millions of pet owners around the world. It's an issue nobody wants to talk about but so many people suffer from relentlessly. Day after day. In silence.

It's time to break that silence and take a stand.

I don't want you to be scared. Hold my hand, grab a glass of libation, sit down. Is your door shut? Make sure your pets aren't near you when you read this, as this topic contains sensitive information.

I want to talk to you today about Pet Abuse.

Are you letting your pet abuse you? Is your dog constantly nudging your hand or doing the crafty and deceitful "puppy eyes" near the treat box? How many times have you woken up to find bruises and a cat in your face? Or walked by the closet where the cat food is kept and been slapped by a kitty paw and made to feel like you are a bad mommy?

Enough is enough. We need to stop letting our pet's abuse us. Who's boss around here? If it's your pet. I understand your pain.

Does your dog sit in the front seat of the car and pretend like he doesn't hear you when you want him to get into the back so you too can ride to work with your sister? I know your troubles.

Does your cat lay on the ground meowing like he's been beaten and starved, embarrassing you in front of guests in order to get his third meal of the day....when he's really just a little bit too heavy and should only be feed twice a day?

Stop. Drop. Collaborate and listen. (I'm sorry, I had to put that in.)

"Your face offends me. Now go get me whipped cream, bitch."

There are people you can reach out to for support. Humans that know what you're going through in this tough time. Places you can go to get away from the demands of overfed cats and dogs that have a serious snuggle addiction. Has your dog peed a little because he was too comfy snuggling with you to let you know he needed to go out? TAKE A STAND MAN. Pee-pee is for outside! Don't be a slave to their addictions.

"Just wait human. I will hunt you while you sleep. You will wake battered and bruised and you will know it was me. The mouse I left you outside was a warning of your fate. Prepare for battle."

When you're feeling scared and alone and feel as though Mr. Kitty Face is going to come looking for you in between meal times, just know that you are not alone. Many of us suffer at the hands of our pets.

"I want you to know...you're just a pillow to me. Now move so I can get comfy."

You ARE a person, not just a pillow to prop them up to better see the tv. You ARE allowed to sit on that couch despite the fact that your German Shepard thinks that it's all for him since he fits the entire thing. You must know that occasionally, they too can lay on the floor. Stop viewing your living room from the ground. They're not really watching that tv anyways. RECLAIM your couch spot.

"Mine."

"Did you know? The cat is hunting you while you sleep. I'm showing him where your room is. Prepare for battle."

In great times of need, remember that you can dress them up in whatever you want for your revenge and a good giggle. Keep in mind though...that's not what Jesus would do. And it may backfire on you when they make your clothes look better than if they were on you and then you may start reconsidering body hair as an overall look.

"Well...you looked kinda fat in this. Clearly, I win. I may be a gentleman...but I'm a gentleman with better boobs than you."

If neighbours start to see your pets with pants on more than you, it's time to get help my friends.

Tell that dog to sit, stay, and then you run to get help.

"Stop moving. Damnit a moving tissue was not what I asked for...now hold still while I place my snot here."

And if it's the cat causing trouble, you are screwed my friend...that bitch ain't changing.

Cheers,
Lindsay xx

Getting Physical: Dominating the Swim Category

I hear swimming is great exercise. I follow a few bloggers that go into great details about their tri's and their Ironman's and I feel sparks of jealous. Yes. I would like to do a tri someday. That sounds like good fun, running and biking and swimming. Yes! I like all those things. (Says the girl that just had a weekend of marathon viewing Pride & Prejudice and Doctor Who. Also...I've eaten my weight in food. MARATHONING. I mean it in every way possible.)

So one must begin somewhere. I do a bit of the running now and again. Though recently have been plagued by plantar fasciitis in both heels and I'm still trying to figure out how to get rid of it without seeing a doctor and without giving up running.

Maybe focus on another exercise for now.

Biking is going pretty well already. Completed a 30K bike race with my family, not to brag or anything. And by "completed" I mean, I barely survived. Pro tip: don't bring a mountain bike to a road race, kids. It means you get your own security detail because you will be the very last rider on the road. By the very end, everyone had been waiting for me for quite some time and I had just about reached delirium...that fun part of over exerting oneself when all you can do it put your fist in the air and incoherently sing "Eye of the Tiger". Or was it "We Are The Champions"? It was probably a rousing rendition of both. I'm just happy I didn't vomit on myself.

Just need a moment. To remind myself never to ride a mountain bike at a road race again. Or do anything my family says will be fun. LIARS.

So biking. Win. Done. Got it.

On to the swimming portion. I got some good workouts via email from my old ADPi sister Sarah, who's an awesome swimmer and avid sports woman. She does many things that make me very much regret sitting on my ass all weekend. Sarah recommended getting a swim cap and goggles for my new adventure. Swim cap would keep my hair out of my face so I could see while I swam. Originally I thought braids of some kind would do that but I like this idea of getting a swim cap. Surly I will look impressive and fierce at the gym pool. People will part like the red sea when I get into the water because they know....swim cap means business. Swim cap means I'll be slicing through water like a great shark.

Well people will surely be parting like the red sea. Guarantee it once they get a look at me!

See the thing is, I've always known my head to be....somewhat on the extra large scale. It's not just that I have a lot of hair, but my head itself really is...massive. In order to buy a Boston Red Sox fitted cap one time, both my Dad and I had to get Men's Extra Large. Turns out my Dad and I have the same head size.  No lady cap will do on my noggin, no sir.

But why would I think that would interfere with swim cap shopping? It's stretchy right? Made for all sizes?

Well, while the box does say "adult"...I don't think swim caps were quite made for me.

Please...enjoy my trials:

To begin...place hands inside cap and interlock fingers. Be sure not to use any sharp objects such as finger nails or hairpins.

Okay....got it.

Stretch it. Stretch it good.

 Now one must pull over head to secure in place.

Almost made it. But I feel like I've forgotten something within these ridiculously easy steps.

 Oh that's right....I've forgotten about my hair.

Eh, voila. I am swim champion.

 So I go back and put my hair into a bun with one hand and try and use the other to put the cap on. It worked okay....

Ummmm....

 Did I do it okay? Do I look alright? Would Michael Phelps take me out for a coffee later to swap pro tips?

 Yes. Yes he would. (I do believe you can cut off enough blood flow to your head to cause that delirium I was talking about earlier. It's kind of like drugs. And don't do drugs kids.)

YAY! I DON'T KNOW WHY I'M SO EXCITED.

Brain freeze. Or brain squeeze. I'm not sure yet.

 Guess what guys....you can't head bang in a speedo cap. You just can't. You may hurt someone or yourself.

Also, you're more suited to be one of the Who's in Whoville.

 I think I like it better with my hair down. Don't you? I think I'm really becoming in this one...

 ....becoming a superhero that is! Fighting crime any time, day or night...but preferably in water! As I wear goggles and can see better in water.

 I think my acting career is really going to take off. And I'm going to go places, if only I could use this as my headshot.

Maybe just my Ok Cupid profile pic. Not at all scary.

*No hair or heads were injured in the making of this tutorial. Only pride.

Cheers,
Lindsay Xx

Word Vomit and the Uncomfortable Kind of Oversharing

 This is the Christmas Dog of Warnings. He's here in his festive costume to warn you that parental discretion is advised in the reading of this post. You must clearly be bored and not give a damn that I'm about to word vomit all over you.

Christmas Dog has warned you.

 (Me, when I'm not crazy...just a regular 'ol classy gal. And avid Doctor Who fan. But the classiest kind.) 

Now would be a really good time to write something profound and deep. Something you can really learn from and take to heart. I mean, I've recently read some fantastic, well written, beautiful blog posts from other bloggers that has really moved me and made me think.  It was my hope to pass that on.

Buuuut instead of writing something deep and profound...or even, instead of thinking anything deep or profound, wanna know what I'm thinking?

I just demolished some McDonald's fries and the last of my chocolate oranges and I'm not sure if I want to cry because: a. OMG what did I just eat?! b. F*CK, I ate too quickly and nowit'sgoneandIdidn'tgettosavoritandIWANTMORE! or c. should I nap or study my lines....naaaaap or stuuuuudy....why has this always been my problem throughout history?

All this wonderfulness is wrapped up in the loveliness that is PMS...oh no boys, look away or you make catch it!

I'm really good at keeping readership up.

Just wanted to share that to make everyone feel good today. I mean, did you try to lick the salt out of a medium fry box? No. I didn't think so.

When it comes to this time of the month I really need to hibernate or just be continuously drunk. At least then my eating habits would make sense. I have my fingers crossed that menopause is not this hard.

OH WAIT GUYS....just googled "menopause"...cause you know...that's what you do when you're avoiding doing things you should be doing, and that's also what you do when you want to scare yourself. After reading the following article, I have decided that I am, indeed, going through some sort of weird menopausal life. 

Yes...my life is menopause. CLICK HERE FOR ARTICLE ABOUT MY LIFE: AREYOUEXCITEDORSCARED?

Particularly take note of number 8...it's like they looked through the internets and into my soul.  I too have thought about writing some poetry, did already take a walk today (yeah speed walking on a rest day, look at me go), would like to watch back-to-back lifetime movies (or in my case, my PMS prefers something with more aggression...craving a back-to-back viewing of the Dark Knight Trilogy, honestly), and I have considered taking a hot bath and drowning myself in it after consuming ALL THE CHOCOLATE and red wine I can find.

(I'd like to take this moment to give myself a pat on the back for ROCKING my BA in English. Queen of run-on sentences right here folks. No autographs please.)

Now that I've officially left you with all of that to ponder, in addition to why you're reading this post at all....oh that's right I included some fun-ass picture at the top and a catchy title, then posted it all over social media and therefore you just had to click, didn't you? No. No, actually you're my Mom and you feel you have to read it out of solidarity to your offspring, you know I have no other dedicated readership except for family, and 'for God's sake Lindsay stop swearing and talking about drinking!' My Mom, folks. I should get her to do a blog post as she is much more eloquent than I. Then you'd learn something. 

Then again, the blog is called 'Smells Like Sunshine', and let's not kid ourselves...we're not here to learn.

Thanks for letting me word vomit, internets. I promise that I'm not always crazy. I mean...just look at one of my more respectable family members, like my little sister---->

She is not at all gonna be pissed I posted that pic. No but seriously, she's not a crazy bird-lady bank robber....she's sane. Promise.

(The "There's a law suit in your future, sister" look that she gives me when I take her picture "for the blog!") Ahh family love. If I didn't have family, I'd have nobody to annoy constantly.

Xx,

Lindsay

This is a picture of scrapple. It is the love of my life now, I do believe, and I've never had anything quite as good as all the left over pork bits fried up.

P.S. I love that I'm writing posts like this after recently becoming a devote follower to a London lifestyle blog that is much more elegant and fancy than myself. Now I feel like it's being all judgy. Don't know why I'd feel unclassy at all. Nope. No idea.

If it fits, then it goes there.

What Motivates Me to Run: Cowbell.

I've been thinking a lot about what motivates me to put one foot in front of the other, repeatedly  in a fast-like motion, other than counteracting my obsessive need to consume ALL the peanut butter M&Ms (I just found two pre-counted serving sized baggies of PB M&M's in my purse-yes i hoard chocolate-...it's like HEAVEN mid-day at work.)

There's lots of things that get me out on the road and .... god-forbid ...liking it. Mainly it's because I have a few outfits that have me decked out completely in purple. Nothing makes a girl wanna run all stealth-like with the mission impossible theme in her head when she looks like a NINJA...albeit a purple one. What? Ninjas can be purple. They're the more fashionable ones....

PURPLE NINJA RUNNING POWER!

COWBELL. That's what really gets me moving. Specifically the cowbell that is featured in the song "Free Your Mind" by En Vogue. Seriously, go listen to it and you will hear the sweet, sweet melodious tone of the cowbell in the background. No idea why, but that just motivates me to run.

On an unrelated note, I would someday like to play the cowbell classically. Does that happen? Cowbell classics? Could I be the first? That'd be awesome. (Clearly I need to get out more....drinks anyone?)

Blogging soon, belated New Year's Resolutions....everybody else got to, I'm just super lazy and haven't gotten around to it, obviously failing at #20 resolution--don't be lazy. Also will do a blog post about how I brainwashed myself into loving running, at the moment...but who knows....this love may not be true and long lasting as that of PB M&M's. THERE IS NOTHING BETTER....except mint M&M's, which can only be consumed in December by law.

Cheers,
L

Lame-O Photos for Blog Posts Never Done

You know you're obsessed with blogs and blogging when...you take really random photos all the time thinking "I'm totally going to blog about that." Oh yeah, I have a shit-ton of just...weird photos that I really can't think of what I'd write about using them.

So let's do a story!! In the 15 minutes before I have to go to work! Awww yeah...creativity....the nerds of NaNoWriMo would be so proud...


There once was a hipster princess....

 Except she didn't call herself that...cause....like....um, no. "Princess" are you kidding me? (Except deep down inside she always wanted to be a princess, even though the feminist movement says no, and the Court of Hipsters Who are Cooler Than You and You Just Don't Get It...also don't approve of princesses...but you know who does....

 Super awesome, semi-hipster theatre friends (HI RAVEN!! Miss you!). Sometimes they're hipster together and sometimes they dress up to go to a Murder Mystery Party because they're theatre people and that's totally okay that it was about Who Dunit instead of getting trashed....at 28. What? (Big 'ol shout out to Laura, a non-theatre person I might add, who let theatre people into her party. WHAT was she thinking?!)

So this hipster princess liked to experiment with stuff that looks like crap, but you can actually eat it. One day she made spaghetti squash bolognese and she managed to get her parents, who she lived with now (and that's totally okay, do you know what our economy is like right now people? God....backOFF), to actually eat it and like it. There was much joy in the kingdom.

 Except that a few days later, hipster princess found out she can't have tomatoes on a low FODMAP diet. Fuck you FODMAP. You RUIN EVERYTHING....
....except for Murder Mystery parties...there's been no research that says one can't enjoy a cocktail and some costumes.

 Yes that is a lion on hipster princess's shirt. What? She's a lion tamer...CLEARLY. For love of all things cat-like. BackOFF.

Hipster princess moved away from DC and dearly missed all the wonderful, magical parking tickets she got (DC, you are welcome for that $2,000 in parking ticket funds she provided you with)...she missed them so much, she made sure to get one when visiting Salem, MA.

 <<INSERT PICTURE OF SALEM, MA PARKING TICKET>>

(Oh yes I did take a picture of my ticket. For blogging purposes. Don't judge me asshole.)

                         (Did I ever mention that I'm overly paranoid? I know you're out there stalkers and you're not going to get me by checking out the license plate number on my parking ticket here. But just, in your mind, imagine a lovely strip of paper with "you suck at parking" written in glitter. That's how they roll in Salem. Seriously. Can't show you the photo though. Just take my word for it...)

 Pppsssshhh, $25 ain't nothing. It's like a souvenir. Except if you don't pay, the witches and the pirates will come after you.

 Hipster princess is apparently fond of Asshole Brad. (Awww yeah Rocky Horror Picture Show with PROPS. You make my theatre heart happy.)

The hipster princess went to get sage advice from the Great CharlieDog.  But he was asleep, per usual.  Nobody naps like a CharlieDog can nap.

 And nobody can take drunk photos with a friend dressed like a bee and not remember why exactly or where exactly, like hipster princess can. Talent. You gotta have it.

 (He's a violent bee....a stinger bee perhaps?) (HI KYLE! You're pretty. Like a princess, but not quite hipster princess. Lucky you.)

Then the hipster princess woke up, sobered up, and went to get some non stomach irritants at the store, where they keep the food. Hello Wegmans. You're my favorite. Bet nobody can tell what kind of diet hipster princess is on. She's not entirely sure either. But Gelato = low FODMAP, pumpkin puree, butternut squash, leeks, shallots = low fiber/low residue but not low FODMAP (fuck you FODMAP), grass fed frolicky pork meat, environmentally friendly and hipster friendly tuna and salmon, lemon, coconut milk, almond milk, all = low FODMAP & low residue....but that mint chocolate coconut milk is just pure pleasure. Have you tried it?? Thank you So Delicious. It's the bestthingever!

Except...it's not the best thing ever. In the land of hipster princess, Ben's Cookies are TheBestThingEver. You should pay a few hundred for the plane ticket to London, JUST TO GET THESE COOKIES.

Well, for cookies and for cheesy photo opportunities like this.

(I hope you caught on that I'm hipster princess. If not...you're kind of an idiot. We can definitely be friends. I give hugs to everyone, regardless of smarts or attention span.)

Cheers,
Lindsay

DC Earthquake Aftermath

Just a video to show I'm okay! My apartment....not so much....f* you DC Earthquake!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MmPEy03YChI

Open Call

Dear Men:

HI! My name is Lindsay and I. AM. SINGLE. It's official. I am open to dating, so let's get it on. Okay, GO! I am ready for the flirting to commence. I have my stick ready to beat off the masses swarming around me for attention--I promise to be gentle.....

....okay....any time now.....feel free to ask me out....

...ummm, I'm waiting, did I not say GO?!

Seriously now. Do I honestly need to give you an incentive for this already hot package?

.........................................................

Damn. Okay....here ya go.

I am available-Single & ready to mingle.

How can you say no to footie pajamas?

Wait.....don't let this awkward silence come between us.

Ah well, at least my feet are warm and I am beyond awesome.

Nuf' said.

Love, Future Nun Candidate.

D.C. Parking Enforcement Is Out To Get Me.

The picture you see above it one taken from the public cork board for my building, found down in the lobby by the mailboxes.

The D.C. Parking Enforcement, and specifically Officer Fisher, is out to get me.

I flat out refuse to change my license or my plates. I am a New Yorker damnit and I shall return to the motherland someday. If I don't get into grad school I want to move my ass over to NYC to try my hand there for awhile. I'm a nomad and changing my plates is not part of the nomad way. It costs money, money that is better used for say, oh i don't know, bills! And it says to people "hiya! yes I am staying here for awhile and so is my car." That's really not what I want to say...neither does my car. Betsy is a full on New Yorker herself and would like to stay that way, thankyouverymuch. (Yes I name my car, get over it.)

I think possibly someone in my building may have posted this sign in response to both myself and my roommate, who is sticking to his Washington State license plates as well, and as we're the only ones within a 3 block radius with out-of-state plates, who else would they be directing this to? Though my brother did mention that it could be something someone printed out numerous copies of and posted all around...but I say, highly unlikely Sir! Much easier to believe they're out to get me!

Officer Fisher has been so kind as to post onto my windshield a total of three parking tickets and the last two within the span of a week. And I even use my car for work now, so it's only ever parked there three hours in the morning. Which, of course, is an hour longer than permitted in the zoned parking area, but give me a break!

I've decided to try and outsmart them by parking on the street that runs directly into my street, where there is no zoned parking. It is, however, the exact line that crosses my hood from semi-safe in the daylight to ohmygod-i'm-going-to-be-mugged-at-10a.m.-in-broad-daylight, when you cross that line. So a bit of a gamble. A little Russian roulette never hurt anyone, right?

This morning when I went online to pay one of the parking tickets I was surprised to find that I also happened to have been caught speeding on New York Avenue last week by the annoying cameras and wire trips implanted into the road, and have been issued a $100 speeding ticket in addition to my two $30 parking tickets. Yeah D.C.! The douche bag award is officially yours. You've earned it! Welcome to our nation's capitol, where out-of-state cars are not really tolerated or, what the hell, even allowed, period. And forget about speeding on empty streets...it doesn't matter that you were in a life or death situation that requires you to speed more the 15mph above the speed limit (hey, trying to make it home from a friend's house late at night without falling asleep at the wheel totally qualifies, end of story).

Anyways. Just thought I'd share. Now I'm going to totally make this into a whole, march-on-the-mall-with-picket-signs, kinda issue. What can I say, I'm an activist at heart.

NY-er fo' life.

Word to yo' mama.

L-Dub, queen of the hyphen.

Because You Were Dying To Know

I'm currently experiencing a nasty mood brought on by intense jealousy of my brother and my sister-in-law because they are heading to London this Friday. There are other reasons, that I'm sure will bore you, why my mood is absolute shit that I won't go into.

Instead I'm distracting myself by playing Bridget Jones's Diary in the background (yes, I do take a few moments to mouth the words as being spoken, and I do know all the movements Renee does during the singing scene at the beginning, DON'T judge me...we all have our embarrassing personal tics) (also, can we just take a moment to appreciate that this movie has THE BEST entrance for Hugh Grant EVER, with the Aretha Franklin song playing and the elevator doors opening up to his yummyness. Word.), drinking some wine, cooking up a jacket potato for myself (this is what I do when I miss England...sigh....) and blogging about random stuff like the contents of my purse.

Because I'm sure you were dying to know.

And just so you know, usually I add a book or two, thick ones, to this collection. This here is just the bare minimum.

Contents of necessity: -NFT guide to D.C. If you've just moved to a new city, I'd highly recommend getting one of these guides. A map on every page and listings of restaurants/theaters/post offices, etc in every area next to each map....also, easy to read when drunk, so a guaranteed way of getting home without getting lost....as long as you can read a map while intoxicated that is, a skill carefully honed after many years of practice.

-My cute clutch wallet from Maurices.

-Cetaphil lotion, Midol, Ibuprofen, lady products, chapstick, hand sanitizer, hair clip, gum...explanation not necessary, you can never be too prepared.

-Journal with my motto for life on it "Keep Calm and Carry On", from an old British slogan sign.

-iPod for when I'm trekking across town.

-Weekly planner, can't really function without it.

-My resume....just in case....still no day job as of yet (but soon I'm sure!)

-A black Moleskin notebook, a small spiral notebook and multiple pens. The notebook is so I can remember things, the Moleskin is for notes on blog/book/theatre/writing ideas.

-Random book of matches from my friend Sara's wedding...because you never know when pyromania may kick in.

-Seafood watch pamphlet because when presented with fish I want to know if it's environmentally friendly. I mean, I'll still eat it...that'd be silly to turn down free fish...but at least I'd know whether or not to feel guilty about eating it. Not that that's ever stopped me from eating anything.

-And finally a play, this one is by Chekhov. I'm always carrying plays with me lately...gotta educate myself. Or just in case I want to give people on the street an impromptu dramatic performance, I am fully prepared....CONSTANT VIGILANCE (name that quote and you get a cookie...and a gold star for being just as geeky as I am).

Okay so Bridget is calling for my attention....and the food in front of me....and the wine as well.

And I'm sure after reading this post you'll probably want to go have some wine too...go on then. I don't judge.

Kisses.

P.S. When Bridget is about to go on tv for her first interview at the fire station, she's doing it in Lewisham...which is around the area where I use to live in London!! Yeah!

Saturdays are supposed to be lazy days.

I feel like doing absolutely nothing today. Well...actually I'd love to just fool around on my blog and update with something really creative/random/funny in an awkward way...but then I'd feel guilty about the fact that my room is growing it's own species out of the hair that's collected on my floor and I have dust bunnies so big that my dogs are afraid to go in the room because they don't want to be eaten.

Also exercise is imperative...since I got laid off a few weeks ago (oh yes. and that was so fun.) I have rediscovered the trashy delight that is reality television. I'm surprised at how easily I get sucked into all the new reality shows that are playing now, I thought I held myself to a higher standard than that. But oh how watching The Real Housewives of New Jersey makes me feel better about myself. I started watching Southern Belles on the Soap channel but after a few episodes I couldn't degrade myself any further. That show is just not, in any sense of the word, entertainment. I really should be ashamed of myself for that one.

Kathy Griffin's show: My Life on the D-List, however, I think I can feel good about watching that one. Yes it is another reality show, but I think she puts a lot of effort into making it more entertaining than that. If you think about it...and I do realize that it's summer time now so don't think too hard, she has to put a lot of creative effort into making up the story lines and finding random things to put herself through in order to keep you watching. I mean, she did win two Emmy's for the show. That means it's okay for me to watch it, right? Right?

Okay well, whatever. I'll break up with reality tv someday...soon I hope...I'd really like my soul back now. Oh wait, I forgot, my soul was taken by the part time retail work I do. I need to break up with that, like yesterday. Hey, anyone know any good places to do a paid theatre internship/apprenticeship? Preferably outside of the Western New York area? No? Okay...then I guess I'll just leave you with a super cute photo of two of my dogs doing what I want to do today but can't.

The end. xx