Life with My Intestines

Do you think I'll lose readers just by using the word 'intestines' in a blog title? Let's find out!

A few weeks ago I went in for a semi regular CT scan. Don't know what a CT scan is? Oh well, get excited! And join me on this journey. *Puts on cozy cardigan, hums 'Won't you be my neighbour?'*

1st step: You must fast four hours before you go in to the hospital. I chose an 8am appointment with the promise of coffee and croissants after. Even as an adult, bribery is a useful tool.

2nd step: De-robe. Luckily I have no shame and I take it as a challenge to flash as many people as possible while wiggling behind a curtain in a tiny, tiny cubicle they have designated as the changing room.

3rd step: Drink the juice.  Ahhhhhh berry barium! A delicious way to start your day! Looks a bit like watery milk...like even more watery than low-fat milk. And tastes of berry! Or if a small child vomited up berry flavoured milk and you decided you should waste-not, want-not and drink it because your hippiness has made you insane, that's what this tastes of. And someone put it in a cup. And maybe you drank it thinking it was just your regular 'ol milk. BUT IT'S NOT. I don't even like milk. Or berry flavoured drinks. I want the real berry not some weak ass imitation. But that is beside the point. Back to the berry flavoured vomit I needed to ingest. It's the perfect way to keep your svelte figure...because you fast before hand and then drink a liquid that makes the idea of vomiting seem like an enjoyable way to spend your day.

(And no coffee before hand either. Which is a CRUEL torture...you bastards.)

Thoughts that did occur to me while drinking da juice:
Oh look my gown has...flowers??...no wait...just weird patterns. What is this place? The hospital for poor people, can't even afford a decent gown? ....oh wait....I am poor. Thank you for taking care of me, kind sirs. Please, more gruel!

A thing that actually happened: My nurse laughed at me for yelling 'OW' when she stabbed me with the IV. She will not be invited to my birthday party.

Another thing that also happened: I huff mint while taking my barium solution. Because I am a goddamn pro. What? You didn't think to bring your own herbs to the hospital? Amateurs. (*Side note: mint, as well as many fine herbs, helps nausea. This barium solution on an empty stomach can make you feel like vomiting. BRING mint or ginger. Huff away. You're welcome.)

Side note: I never thought chugging beers or taking shots would come in handy as a viable life skill to have, but it really is when it comes to taking barium solution. Gotta chug a nasty drink in 15 minutes, so that you can take two more fifteen minutes apart. It's like slow-mo hazing. Then (step 4!) they give you a liquid in your IV that makes you feel like you're wetting yourself. That's right. It IS like a sophisticated hazing. What club do I get to join? The Pooper Scoopers? (That's funny to me for SO MANY reasons.)

5th Step: Taking pictures of your insides. I did not get to take a picture of them taking pictures of me. But I can tell you my radiologist was absolutely George Clooney. I mean, this is why you can't take pictures. But while I'm passing jokes back and forth with George, I get to lay on a table that takes me through a tunnel where a magical voice tells me when to take breaths. It's almost like yoga...expect for the part where you feel like you have to pee.

End note: You can always find time to Instagram your hospital visit. Or Snapchat (LindsayDinsyDay) it.

And here I am modeling the latest in hospital couture. The colorful pattern, while bright and distracting, still manages to convey to all admiring onlookers 'I am not wearing any underpants' #ootd #fashionblogger #gwhospital #crohnslyfe #ctscan #gangsta

Live, love, laugh,

Lindsay

P.S. Just wanted to end this post by saying that us fashion bloggers don't always show you what's real. Well. I'll give you a  little 'peek behind the curtain', so to speak.  The truth behind the above photo is that I actually was wearing underpants....but no bra. #realtalk #thisisme #therearenohashtagsinblogging #orspeaking #butwespeakthemanyways