10 September 2014

TImberyard: A London Coffee Review, Sexy Edition

Upon entering Timberyard at Seven Dials you are greeted by sugary delights and the smell of coffee. I'm always hesitant when I first enter a coffee shop. Will they have what I need? My eyes flit around the coffee area...where are the cones, the drip or the aeropress? Do they know what a V60 is or will they give me the soul crushing confused stare when I ask?

First things first:
-Do you have filter?
*sigh of relief*

-Do you take card?
-Yes--no minimum either.
Oh stop, you're making me feel funny in my lady pants.

-I'd like a filter.
-Which one? Tanzanian--syrupy and light, or Guatemalan--hints of chocolate.
Talking dirty now, eh? Okay, okay...deep breaths...

-I'll take Guatemalan and one of those hazelnut brownies.
-Great, where are you sitting?
*Pause, look around the small claustrophobic space with no seat empty...lady boner starts to fall....*
-Do you have seating downstairs?
*Excited again*

I descend downstairs. The first things I see is a large, airy space filled with squishy seats. My breath catches. Can it be true? Do my eyes deceive me? Are those.....numerous outlets on every available wall space???

My heartbeat picks up, I sweat a little. I find a seat and plug in my dying phone. My fingers go to slowly check....could they possibly have...maybe...looks like it...I'm panting now...give it to me baby---- free wifi. Oh my god. I look up in prayer, thanks, and ecstasy. Then my eyes catch sight of the holy grail. Bathrooms for customers. Sweet jesus, I've come home.

They bring my tray with coffee, brownie and a wine bottle full of water and I am ready to propose. Timberyard. This is love, not just a one night stand. I am home.


08 September 2014

Sexy, Sexy: After 30 Edition

Let me tell you, things are different this side of 30. I'm a more stately lady. Regal is a word that comes to mind. So does 'ethereal', 'elegant', 'mature', and, well....total and utter bullshit.

Yup. There is nothing too sexy about my comfy socks, hair in a bun (and inability to remember when I last washed it because it's been up like that so long), snacking on some espresso chocolates, and ignoring my budgeting because I'm too busy nerding out over....umm, ya know, nerdy things I'd rather not divulge at this time.

But alas, I needed to write a damn post cause I haven't in ages and I have found a list I wrote just after my 30th birthday this July. I would like to share it with you.

Please do remember....this is who it's coming from. ALWAYS TRUST THE MULLET:

Ahem, I present to you:
Sexy Things After 30

People that like my dog. Sexy.

Sexy things in general:
-Warm, clean, cozy socks
-A whiskey and a hot bath
-Human beings with good hygiene (what? you do remember how to shower and use deodorant? Stop it, you sexy, sexy person.)
-8 hours of sleep
-Bed by 10pm (so unbelievably sexy...and mythical. Does it happen? Ever? Not for me. Must....watch...another episode of Lost Girl...)
-Knowing the right length of time for a hug. Good length hugs aren't creepy, just comforting and I want more...from everyone.
-Buying me a drink (I am poor. This is just exciting in general and you will be one of my favourites when you buy me a drink. I get super shocked and overly excited. So my birthday was like giving a puppy a room full of tennis balls. WHAT? DRINKS FOR ME? REALLY? I'll have five of them please.)
-Knowing how to make a good cup of coffee. TALENT.
-Beer the colour of coffee. Always sexy to me.
Knowing that this beer is the best beer. SEXY. I love you Smog Rocket.

Breakfast and coffee immediately upon waking. Sexy.

In Men:
-Knowing good beer
-Offers a good foot rub, with wine and a salted caramel brownie (I mean...this is just a working theory. I assume this is very sexy, but it has yet to be offered.)
-Funny guys. But having a good sense of what's comedic works both ways. If you don't like my rude/awkward/weird/inappropriate sense of humour...well, that's just not sexy. If I can make you laugh---->definitely sexy.
-Dudes that read fiction. Just as a rule. I mean, non-fiction is cool. But I want you to understand my obsession with story telling and I just don't think non-fiction can fully encompass all the magnificent ways to tell a story.
-Dudes that do not balk at the word 'feminist'.
-Banter. Do you know what this is? Do not leave me hanging fella. I don't want to put in all the conversational foreplay.
-Guys that are not afraid to rock it at karaoke, but not too good, please. This isn't American Idol. This is cheap beer and songs from the 90s that nobody really remembers all the words to.
-Do you know all the words to California Love? If so, please disregard everything else. I'm sold.
Men who find my ridiculously pale legs sexy...you are DAMN FINE sir.  (Working theory.)

And bonus round, things I find sexy about a place:
-Free wifi, outlets, no credit card minimum, drip coffee, chocolate, bathrooms, lots of space to work (Timberyard, you sexy, SEXY beast. Stop looking at me like that. I am so turned on by you right now...in, like, a hipster kind of way. Post on that soon.)

Additional sexy...Man Crush Monday: Kris Holden Ried from Lost Girl. Ultimate sexy.
Yes. Yes I do have a screenshot of this picture on my phone. What of it?

And last, but more importantly...self confidence. In anyone, man or woman, is always a sexy, sexy thing.

I'm working on it.