05 January 2016

Life with My Intestines

Do you think I'll lose readers just by using the word 'intestines' in a blog title? Let's find out!

A few weeks ago I went in for a semi regular CT scan. Don't know what a CT scan is? Oh well, get excited! And join me on this journey. *Puts on cozy cardigan, hums 'Won't you be my neighbour?'*

1st step: You must fast four hours before you go in to the hospital. I chose an 8am appointment with the promise of coffee and croissants after. Even as an adult, bribery is a useful tool.

2nd step: De-robe. Luckily I have no shame and I take it as a challenge to flash as many people as possible while wiggling behind a curtain in a tiny, tiny cubicle they have designated as the changing room.

3rd step: Drink the juice.  Ahhhhhh berry barium! A delicious way to start your day! Looks a bit like watery milk...like even more watery than low-fat milk. And tastes of berry! Or if a small child vomited up berry flavoured milk and you decided you should waste-not, want-not and drink it because your hippiness has made you insane, that's what this tastes of. And someone put it in a cup. And maybe you drank it thinking it was just your regular 'ol milk. BUT IT'S NOT. I don't even like milk. Or berry flavoured drinks. I want the real berry not some weak ass imitation. But that is beside the point. Back to the berry flavoured vomit I needed to ingest. It's the perfect way to keep your svelte figure...because you fast before hand and then drink a liquid that makes the idea of vomiting seem like an enjoyable way to spend your day.

(And no coffee before hand either. Which is a CRUEL torture...you bastards.)

Thoughts that did occur to me while drinking da juice:
Oh look my gown has...flowers??...no wait...just weird patterns. What is this place? The hospital for poor people, can't even afford a decent gown? ....oh wait....I am poor. Thank you for taking care of me, kind sirs. Please, more gruel!

A thing that actually happened: My nurse laughed at me for yelling 'OW' when she stabbed me with the IV. She will not be invited to my birthday party.

Another thing that also happened: I huff mint while taking my barium solution. Because I am a goddamn pro. What? You didn't think to bring your own herbs to the hospital? Amateurs. (*Side note: mint, as well as many fine herbs, helps nausea. This barium solution on an empty stomach can make you feel like vomiting. BRING mint or ginger. Huff away. You're welcome.)

Side note: I never thought chugging beers or taking shots would come in handy as a viable life skill to have, but it really is when it comes to taking barium solution. Gotta chug a nasty drink in 15 minutes, so that you can take two more fifteen minutes apart. It's like slow-mo hazing. Then (step 4!) they give you a liquid in your IV that makes you feel like you're wetting yourself. That's right. It IS like a sophisticated hazing. What club do I get to join? The Pooper Scoopers? (That's funny to me for SO MANY reasons.)

5th Step: Taking pictures of your insides. I did not get to take a picture of them taking pictures of me. But I can tell you my radiologist was absolutely George Clooney. I mean, this is why you can't take pictures. But while I'm passing jokes back and forth with George, I get to lay on a table that takes me through a tunnel where a magical voice tells me when to take breaths. It's almost like yoga...expect for the part where you feel like you have to pee.

End note: You can always find time to Instagram your hospital visit. Or Snapchat (LindsayDinsyDay) it.

And here I am modeling the latest in hospital couture. The colorful pattern, while bright and distracting, still manages to convey to all admiring onlookers 'I am not wearing any underpants' #ootd #fashionblogger #gwhospital #crohnslyfe #ctscan #gangsta

Live, love, laugh,

P.S. Just wanted to end this post by saying that us fashion bloggers don't always show you what's real. Well. I'll give you a  little 'peek behind the curtain', so to speak.  The truth behind the above photo is that I actually was wearing underpants....but no bra. #realtalk #thisisme #therearenohashtagsinblogging #orspeaking #butwespeakthemanyways

04 January 2016

New Year, New YOU! ....Probably Still Dreaming About Them Carbs Tho...

Noted: This outfit was a completely sober decision. Also, I like to smile. Smiling's my favourite. (Obviously my new Tinder photo.)

*WARNING: Much swearing and vulgarity to follow*

Ahhh a brand new year and a new chance to make a completely new you! Hopefully one who is 30 pounds lighter, smarter, faster, stronger, and can avoid all free donuts at the office. 

We can dream, can't we?

I love New Years. Most of all because it's the perfect time to go on a diet. Millions of people around the world are right there with you. Either you're failing together, or you get to be SMUG because YOU DID IT. (So what if you tried to eat your pillow last night when you were dreaming about doughnuts? The wild and desperate look in your eye the next day only adds to your sex appeal!)

Being a model for Crohn's Disease means that I'm trying out a diet before my usual January colonoscopy. (Are you SO EXCITED for those details?! I AM!) I want my GI doctor to go in and come out saying 'I've never seen such beautiful intestines! Spotless!' I mean, if I could lose weight on this diet awesome, but I'm always aiming for the happy, beautiful on the inside(of my intestines) look.

Whole30 is the name of the game. I mean, if you want to be cool about it, it's #Whole30 #Whole30crew #Whole30ohmygodwhencanIhavetoast #NEVER #Imeanitsonly30days

I'm doing real good so far. I only just resorted to stress-eating a mashed banana with dry roasted pecans on top. Like a goddamn lady. Early I had attempted to make some homemade mayo. "All you do is mix these things" they said, "it's so simple" they said. Well you can suck it (not you Julia Child, you're lovely and I appreciated all your side tips and advice that nobody else gave.) 

I failed twice. Two things I hate wasting: time and food. My results were just a tangy liquid. Not what I was hoping for. Advice and tips encouraged, folks. Keep in mind, I do not have an emulsifier blender....though if you have one, feel free to give it to me. I was working with the hand mixer. Maybe next time I should go hardcore Julia Child method and whisk by hand!

Anyways. My other New Years Resolutions are going quite well. My only real firm one every year: floss more. You just can't go wrong there. 

I went a little crazy this year and made a list of eight things to work on. Here they are:
1. Floss, it deserves repeating.
2. None of your business.
It may involve multiple forms of therapy.
3. Be healthier.
4. Reduce flare-ups. Had two before NYE and I am not okay with that.
5. Read more. But also no buying new books. I must read all that I own, or make use of this really cool thing called a LIBRARY. My sister is going to be a librarian someday soon and I figure I should probably support her in her field. 
6. None of your business.
It may, or may not, be related to this saucy photo. 
7. Pursue delight. (Which also includes pursuing things that make me laugh.)
8. No booze January. (In relation to my diet, this is much easier! I enjoy my nightly tea. Although I did swoon a little when I turned down a scotch at a friends house. I held strong though. Smugness will be mine!)

There. Isn't that lovely. Obviously the 'none of your business' ones must pertain to drugs, sex and rock 'n' roll. I mean, I'm so cool like that, clearly. *See first picture above for reference*

Whole30 hasn't said much about heroin use, so I'm pretty excited to get going.


I am kidding, Mom. Seriously. Have you seen Requiem for a Dream? I saw that at 15 and oh my god, that will keep me church girl clean till I'm 80. After 80 all bets are off.

What are your New Years Resolutions? If you need to borrow one of mine, I highly recommend number 1. Dental work is expensive and so, so horrible.

Lots of love, stay off drugs,