I want to talk to you today about a very serious issue that is affecting millions of pet owners around the world. It's an issue nobody wants to talk about but so many people suffer from relentlessly. Day after day. In silence.
It's time to break that silence and take a stand.
I don't want you to be scared. Hold my hand, grab a glass of libation, sit down. Is your door shut? Make sure your pets aren't near you when you read this, as this topic contains sensitive information.
I want to talk to you today about Pet Abuse.
Are you letting your pet abuse you? Is your dog constantly nudging your hand or doing the crafty and deceitful "puppy eyes" near the treat box? How many times have you woken up to find bruises and a cat in your face? Or walked by the closet where the cat food is kept and been slapped by a kitty paw and made to feel like you are a bad mommy?
Enough is enough. We need to stop letting our pet's abuse us. Who's boss around here? If it's your pet. I understand your pain.
Does your dog sit in the front seat of the car and pretend like he doesn't hear you when you want him to get into the back so you too can ride to work with your sister? I know your troubles.
Does your cat lay on the ground meowing like he's been beaten and starved, embarrassing you in front of guests in order to get his third meal of the day....when he's really just a little bit too heavy and should only be feed twice a day?
Stop. Drop. Collaborate and listen. (I'm sorry, I had to put that in.)
|"Your face offends me. Now go get me whipped cream, bitch."|
|"Just wait human. I will hunt you while you sleep. You will wake battered and bruised and you will know it was me. The mouse I left you outside was a warning of your fate. Prepare for battle."|
|"I want you to know...you're just a pillow to me. Now move so I can get comfy."|
|"Did you know? The cat is hunting you while you sleep. I'm showing him where your room is. Prepare for battle."|
|"Well...you looked kinda fat in this. Clearly, I win. I may be a gentleman...but I'm a gentleman with better boobs than you."|
Tell that dog to sit, stay, and then you run to get help.
|"Stop moving. Damnit a moving tissue was not what I asked for...now hold still while I place my snot here."|