11 February 2014

Taking A Stand

Dear, Innocent Readers.

I want to talk to you today about a very serious issue that is affecting millions of pet owners around the world. It's an issue nobody wants to talk about but so many people suffer from relentlessly. Day after day. In silence.

It's time to break that silence and take a stand.

I don't want you to be scared. Hold my hand, grab a glass of libation, sit down. Is your door shut? Make sure your pets aren't near you when you read this, as this topic contains sensitive information.

I want to talk to you today about Pet Abuse.

Are you letting your pet abuse you? Is your dog constantly nudging your hand or doing the crafty and deceitful "puppy eyes" near the treat box? How many times have you woken up to find bruises and a cat in your face? Or walked by the closet where the cat food is kept and been slapped by a kitty paw and made to feel like you are a bad mommy?

Enough is enough. We need to stop letting our pet's abuse us. Who's boss around here? If it's your pet. I understand your pain.

Does your dog sit in the front seat of the car and pretend like he doesn't hear you when you want him to get into the back so you too can ride to work with your sister? I know your troubles.

Does your cat lay on the ground meowing like he's been beaten and starved, embarrassing you in front of guests in order to get his third meal of the day....when he's really just a little bit too heavy and should only be feed twice a day?

Stop. Drop. Collaborate and listen. (I'm sorry, I had to put that in.)

"Your face offends me. Now go get me whipped cream, bitch."
There are people you can reach out to for support. Humans that know what you're going through in this tough time. Places you can go to get away from the demands of overfed cats and dogs that have a serious snuggle addiction. Has your dog peed a little because he was too comfy snuggling with you to let you know he needed to go out? TAKE A STAND MAN. Pee-pee is for outside! Don't be a slave to their addictions.

"Just wait human. I will hunt you while you sleep. You will wake battered and bruised and you will know it was me. The mouse I left you outside was a warning of your fate. Prepare for battle."
When you're feeling scared and alone and feel as though Mr. Kitty Face is going to come looking for you in between meal times, just know that you are not alone. Many of us suffer at the hands of our pets.
"I want you to know...you're just a pillow to me. Now move so I can get comfy."
You ARE a person, not just a pillow to prop them up to better see the tv. You ARE allowed to sit on that couch despite the fact that your German Shepard thinks that it's all for him since he fits the entire thing. You must know that occasionally, they too can lay on the floor. Stop viewing your living room from the ground. They're not really watching that tv anyways. RECLAIM your couch spot.


"Did you know? The cat is hunting you while you sleep. I'm showing him where your room is. Prepare for battle."
In great times of need, remember that you can dress them up in whatever you want for your revenge and a good giggle. Keep in mind though...that's not what Jesus would do. And it may backfire on you when they make your clothes look better than if they were on you and then you may start reconsidering body hair as an overall look.
"Well...you looked kinda fat in this. Clearly, I win. I may be a gentleman...but I'm a gentleman with better boobs than you."
If neighbours start to see your pets with pants on more than you, it's time to get help my friends.

Tell that dog to sit, stay, and then you run to get help.
"Stop moving. Damnit a moving tissue was not what I asked for...now hold still while I place my snot here."
And if it's the cat causing trouble, you are screwed my friend...that bitch ain't changing.

Lindsay xx

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