29 January 2011

PMS looks good on me...

Ahhhh PMS, isn't it just lovely? I used to hate PMS but now I have fully come to appreciate it's benefits.

For example. I'm not sure if you knew, but my apartment is nicknamed "The Igloo" for a reason. It's a basement apartment and stays chill like an icebox year round. Good for summer, real bad for winter. It costs a fortune to heat ($200 last month cause I thought maybe I'd try...boy did The Igloo sure teach me...), so we just don't bother. I'm currently wearing a delightfully, sexy ensemble that consists of sweat pants, LL Bean knit socks with kickass leather bottoms, long sleeve tee with a sweatshirt and a nice fluffy scarf that I have wrapped around my head. Which of course I can't wear to bed, cause that'd just look silly, so I shall replace it with a ski cap before I go to sleep. Elegant and refined, I know.

Exhibit A: Too Hot to Handle Right Now, or Screw You Pepco, I Can Generate My Own Heat
But this is where the benefits of PMS come in handy.

I eat like food is going out of style when PMS hits and at the rate I'm going this week, I will have amassed enough body fat to help me survive a winter, naked, in Russia. Currently, I think my food consumption today alone could feed a third world country....wait, that is not where I wanted to veer this thought process....happythoughts, happythoughts, cute puppies and babies.....mmm, beer.

So yes, today...I won't list my entire food diary here, cause who cares, but my dinner should impress--Coke, double patty burger from 5ive Guys (ketchup only of course, I try to watch my figure...expand....), easy mac on the side, and 2 peanut butter rice krispie bars for dessert(I made a batch yesterday and ate half of it in one sitting, proving.....I AM THE VICTOR). I was slightly satisfied. Then I worked for about 3 hours at the Theatre and was raging hungry afterwards. Late seating the jerks who show up to a play late always works up an appetite, don'tcha know. My hunger was to the point that I had thoughts of robbing a Domino's or begging on the corner for some Chinese food and a bottle of red wine. Although, I'm not really supposed to be eating out at all in order to save money...but the 5ive Guys burger does not count cause I needed meat and that's just not something that is safe for me to cook without adult supervision.

Now that I'm home, I've given myself full approval to chow down, bulk up, go for the gold. Bikini season is way off...and I never liked those anyways, so who cares? Eat! Eat your heart out and love it!

Except I got nothing here. Haven't gone shopping. Can't until I can hopefully beg $30 from the gentle souls who bore me and call me their own. So instead of consuming wholesome, delicious food, like Ben & Jerry's or roasted chicken and mashed potatoes, like I wanted, I had instead 2 bowls of Rice Krispies with vanilla almond milk (no need to add sugar, yum!), and have now moved on to popcorn, my brother's homemade beer and, apparently, run-on sentences. (Glad to see my English degree is being put to good use. Use me as a model kids, plagiarize away, I dare ya.)

And guess who's going to England during the next PMS storm front? Oh that'd be me. Hello fish 'n chips, Yorkshire puddings, Strongbows by the multiple pint, Cadbury chocolate made in the mother land, bangers 'n mash, blood pudding, Chicken Kiev's made at Sainsbury's (don't ask, I just loooooove them), cream custard, high tea, PG tips with...wait for it....WHOLE MILK. Heaven save me. Please allow Virgin Atlantic to board me home again once I've gained 500lbs.

The end.

Now I must go and see how strawberry Popsicles taste dipped in peanut butter and rolled in oats......


kinda. Can't say the thought didn't cross my mind to actually try it.

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