Word Vomit and the Uncomfortable Kind of Oversharing

 This is the Christmas Dog of Warnings. He's here in his festive costume to warn you that parental discretion is advised in the reading of this post. You must clearly be bored and not give a damn that I'm about to word vomit all over you.

Christmas Dog has warned you.

 (Me, when I'm not crazy...just a regular 'ol classy gal. And avid Doctor Who fan. But the classiest kind.) 

Now would be a really good time to write something profound and deep. Something you can really learn from and take to heart. I mean, I've recently read some fantastic, well written, beautiful blog posts from other bloggers that has really moved me and made me think.  It was my hope to pass that on.

Buuuut instead of writing something deep and profound...or even, instead of thinking anything deep or profound, wanna know what I'm thinking?

I just demolished some McDonald's fries and the last of my chocolate oranges and I'm not sure if I want to cry because: a. OMG what did I just eat?! b. F*CK, I ate too quickly and nowit'sgoneandIdidn'tgettosavoritandIWANTMORE! or c. should I nap or study my lines....naaaaap or stuuuuudy....why has this always been my problem throughout history?

All this wonderfulness is wrapped up in the loveliness that is PMS...oh no boys, look away or you make catch it!

I'm really good at keeping readership up.

Just wanted to share that to make everyone feel good today. I mean, did you try to lick the salt out of a medium fry box? No. I didn't think so.

When it comes to this time of the month I really need to hibernate or just be continuously drunk. At least then my eating habits would make sense. I have my fingers crossed that menopause is not this hard.

OH WAIT GUYS....just googled "menopause"...cause you know...that's what you do when you're avoiding doing things you should be doing, and that's also what you do when you want to scare yourself. After reading the following article, I have decided that I am, indeed, going through some sort of weird menopausal life. 

Yes...my life is menopause. CLICK HERE FOR ARTICLE ABOUT MY LIFE: AREYOUEXCITEDORSCARED?

Particularly take note of number 8...it's like they looked through the internets and into my soul.  I too have thought about writing some poetry, did already take a walk today (yeah speed walking on a rest day, look at me go), would like to watch back-to-back lifetime movies (or in my case, my PMS prefers something with more aggression...craving a back-to-back viewing of the Dark Knight Trilogy, honestly), and I have considered taking a hot bath and drowning myself in it after consuming ALL THE CHOCOLATE and red wine I can find.

(I'd like to take this moment to give myself a pat on the back for ROCKING my BA in English. Queen of run-on sentences right here folks. No autographs please.)

Now that I've officially left you with all of that to ponder, in addition to why you're reading this post at all....oh that's right I included some fun-ass picture at the top and a catchy title, then posted it all over social media and therefore you just had to click, didn't you? No. No, actually you're my Mom and you feel you have to read it out of solidarity to your offspring, you know I have no other dedicated readership except for family, and 'for God's sake Lindsay stop swearing and talking about drinking!' My Mom, folks. I should get her to do a blog post as she is much more eloquent than I. Then you'd learn something. 

Then again, the blog is called 'Smells Like Sunshine', and let's not kid ourselves...we're not here to learn.

Thanks for letting me word vomit, internets. I promise that I'm not always crazy. I mean...just look at one of my more respectable family members, like my little sister---->

She is not at all gonna be pissed I posted that pic. No but seriously, she's not a crazy bird-lady bank robber....she's sane. Promise.

(The "There's a law suit in your future, sister" look that she gives me when I take her picture "for the blog!") Ahh family love. If I didn't have family, I'd have nobody to annoy constantly.

Xx,

Lindsay

This is a picture of scrapple. It is the love of my life now, I do believe, and I've never had anything quite as good as all the left over pork bits fried up.

P.S. I love that I'm writing posts like this after recently becoming a devote follower to a London lifestyle blog that is much more elegant and fancy than myself. Now I feel like it's being all judgy. Don't know why I'd feel unclassy at all. Nope. No idea.

If it fits, then it goes there.

Cold Running and An Overabundance of Confidence With Very Little Training

I would like to take this opportunity to apologize to my thighs and my cheeks for subjecting them to the elements during my attempted outdoor run today. Granted I was fully clothed, but while my compression socks did cover me well under my running pants, my running pants did nothing to protect my upper thighs. And no scarves for me...with the amount of snot I expel during a run, I was afraid of it freezing on the scarf and then suffocating myself to death.

What an embarrassing death that would be.

I will definitely be looking into warmer tights, maybe compression tights built for single digit weather. 9 degrees Fahrenheit is NOT my favorite. Please come back 30 degree weather...I miss you!

In other news...I'm finding that my half mary training seems to be running parallel with my audition training. In the sense that when you look at what I've done on paper, an expert may raise an eyebrow and think "hmmm, you really haven't done much, have you?" But you know, my mind is totally prepped and ready to go. Mentally, I'm there.

(If you've never read The New Psycho-Cybernetics by Maxwell Maltz, then you should get on that. My favorite positive thinking book, except with real life advice...summarization of the book--you can think positive, but if you're sitting on your ass it does no good, think positive and always work towards your goals. Also, don't listen to the haters. There. Now you don't need to read it. You're welcome.)

I'm re-reading above listed book and it always gets me all jazzed up for big things. My head is definitely in the audition spot and in the half marathon game. I don't want to go into too much talk about my grad school auditions, as my first audition is with the organization URTA and it's next week (it's like auditioning for a BUNCH of schools at once).  But I will say that for my half mary training I'm one month away and I can really only run for one hour total at the moment. I'm estimating that it's going to take me well over two to complete 13.1 miles...if I don't die that is. In my brain though, I'm all like "pssshhhaw, I am so going to do it just fine. I've run 5.5 miles already...that's practically 13.1. Got it in the bag." Other people seemed to be concerned with my "got it in the bag" mentality,  particularly where my audition is concerned. But I totally have faith that I'm going to rock both with the best of my ability.

On this overly frigid day, don't you just looooove uber positivity? I know, I wanna punch me too.

Xx,
Lindsay

Brainwashed to Like Running--Or, No Sane Person Would Choose to Do That

Note From--Saturday 12 January 2013

Dear Diary,

I reached a new all time high in my life. Like, without drug use. Or vodka. May wonders never cease.

I ran for an hour without stopping or taking a walk break. Let me repeat that again...I ran FOR AN HOUR STRAIGHT. Never in my life did I think I would be able to do that...let alone set out to do that and enjoy it the whole time. I ran a total of 5.4 miles around my block (yeah country living).

Side Note: At the time of this blog post publication, I ran another whole 5 FREAKING MILES just this very morning. WINNING. When do I get my award for throwing every gym teacher I've ever had for a loop. Surprise, bitches. I can run. Don't be hatin' haters. Additionally, had you told me I could drink more wine if I ran, I may have tried running sooner.

It was awesome and amazing and hard and not at all scary. Every now and then my brain would have a negative moment...I know, it's shocking to me too, but I sucked it up and just pumped the music a little louder while imagining 50 Cent out of breath behind me. His hot abs can't keep up with this hotness. No but seriously. Hot-ness. All decked out in purple.

Now running has become hard and fun. Poster child for AWESOMENESS, HERE I come!! I am really loving it. Even on rest days, all I do is think about running even when I can't.

I think I can confidently say that my brainwashing has been a success.

Now...I present to you, dear Diary....and blog readers, my brainwashing formula--patent pending:

How to Brainwash Yourself Into LOVING Running

1. Find friends who are just starting off, maybe who have only been running for a few months.

2. Talk to them about it excessively, figure out why they're insane. Try not to appear too stalkerish, restraining orders help nothing and only bring about negative feelings for everyone. Maybe just call their work number at random times, screaming "BUT WHHYYYY?! Why do you run like a crazy person? I thought we were so similar...now you're all smug-happy-runner. Stop it. I love you, show me your ways."

3. Maybe try your hand at running a mile on the treadmill. They say it's easier you know. When you fail, eat a pizza, drink some wine, and read up on why people are mental.

4. Pick up a copy of Runner's World Magazine. You may need to ask your helpful B&N bookseller where they are located. When they keep trying to re-route you over to the cake and baking magazine section, make sure to find someone else to help you on your quest. DON'T be sidelined by cakes. Once RW is in your hands, read inspirational stories...cry. Feel no shame about that, because God knows you cry more over Hallmark/Lifetime movies...better to move on to runner's stories. Your tears over that will make you skinnier.

5.Run an actual whole mile on the treadmill. Hate it for every step. Feel endorphins post-hate run, feel amazing and decide post-run is better.

6. Repeat 5 a lot more.

7. Somehow consider going longer than a mile when you realize your playlist is longer than that and you really want to jam out to just one more rap song.

8. Read up on fueling pre-run. Realize that does banish those feelings of dying mid and post run.

9. Read a self help book focused on positive mental imaging. Then have some vodka. Imagine you practically fly while running....and it shall be so, grasshopper. Especially after all that vodka.

10. Read running blogs.....a lot. Screw work or a social life...READ BLOGS. This will, in no way, hinder your social growth. Pinky swear.

11. Be convinced to sign up for an honest-to-God organized run. Mainly because it involves a cool/geeky/weird/scary aspect to it that appeals to you. Like one where you get to run in a tutu and tiara. GLITTER.

12. Freak out after you realize that you've just paid to be crazy. I love you, knees and will miss you dearly.

13. Finally get to the point where you think about running constantly. 

14. Run 3 miles for first time on treadmill and later realize that's a motherfucking 5k. Playawhat?

15. Submit to the fact that you are, indeed, brainwashed and love running. Eat some cake. Maybe have some more vodka, settle down here in the "yeah, sometimes I run" world...there's plenty other crazies to help you along in this addiction.

You are so welcome. 

Additionally...sometimes it helps running to Respect by Aretha and, surprisingly enough, I'm Every Woman by Whitney Houston...."why yes, Whitney, I am every woman. And some of them run. Represent."

This overly long blog post is brought to you by,

A lot of caffeine.

Xx,

L

What Motivates Me to Run: Cowbell.

I've been thinking a lot about what motivates me to put one foot in front of the other, repeatedly  in a fast-like motion, other than counteracting my obsessive need to consume ALL the peanut butter M&Ms (I just found two pre-counted serving sized baggies of PB M&M's in my purse-yes i hoard chocolate-...it's like HEAVEN mid-day at work.)

There's lots of things that get me out on the road and .... god-forbid ...liking it. Mainly it's because I have a few outfits that have me decked out completely in purple. Nothing makes a girl wanna run all stealth-like with the mission impossible theme in her head when she looks like a NINJA...albeit a purple one. What? Ninjas can be purple. They're the more fashionable ones....

PURPLE NINJA RUNNING POWER!

COWBELL. That's what really gets me moving. Specifically the cowbell that is featured in the song "Free Your Mind" by En Vogue. Seriously, go listen to it and you will hear the sweet, sweet melodious tone of the cowbell in the background. No idea why, but that just motivates me to run.

On an unrelated note, I would someday like to play the cowbell classically. Does that happen? Cowbell classics? Could I be the first? That'd be awesome. (Clearly I need to get out more....drinks anyone?)

Blogging soon, belated New Year's Resolutions....everybody else got to, I'm just super lazy and haven't gotten around to it, obviously failing at #20 resolution--don't be lazy. Also will do a blog post about how I brainwashed myself into loving running, at the moment...but who knows....this love may not be true and long lasting as that of PB M&M's. THERE IS NOTHING BETTER....except mint M&M's, which can only be consumed in December by law.

Cheers,
L

Random and Sometimes Inappropriate

Am I the only one that needs to stop whatever I'm doing when the song "Lean on Me" by Bill Withers comes on and sing loudly accompanied by some killer dance grooves? No? Anybody?

One of the very few happy memories I have from my younger school years was being in chorus. A group that was always chaotic and undisciplined and couldn't care less about what our teacher wanted to get us to sing....unless it was either "Lean on Me" or "Carol of the Bells". For some reason, those two songs sung a Capella meant that we suddenly became devote singing students, well behaved and ready to PERFORM. They're just that fun to sing. (I'd also bust serious groove this holiday season whenever a good version of "Carol of the Bells" came on. SING IT, girl, SING IT. Oh I will. And watch me move my butt awkwardly in a formation that belies the fact that I have no skill.)

A little inappropriate sharing for this lovely, rainy Friday:
I have to go in to get my boobs checked out because I have a cyst or two...my primary Dr is not worried and thinks that it might have something to do with my caffeine consumption (NO, DEAR GOD, NO! Don't take my coffee away!!). Regardless, my Dr assures me it's not a big deal sostopfreakingout, and in order to be a "responsible lady" I must get them checked on.

I was sharing this all with my Mom and my little sister, who's here for the weekend, and talking about how I was I nervous to get a mammogram and get an ultra sound and "is it gonna hurt? are they taking my coffee from me?" I just wanted to let the world know that BOTH my Mother and my sister wanted to demonstrate on my boobs how it would feel, "it's not gonna hurt that bad, only this bad, c'mere, let me show you...." resulting in my screeching and holding onto my boobs for dear life running away.

Is every body's family as crazy as mine? I love them to death, but they will be the death of me.

You're welcome for all this lovely sharing. Boobs. Just needed to put it there one more time.

Cheers,
L

Running is MENTAL

Mental, as in, ALL the meanings.

Currently at mile 2 on the treadmill and after only mile 1 outside, I'm thinking "why the HELL am I doing this? This is insane. I probably look like that fat girl in the 'Errrmagerd...Prince Charles' meme.

 Dead sexy. I know."

But then after a bit I realize that it's all just a head game. If I can distract myself with some catchy rap tunes, a little hip-hop, and some awesome girl power music, I can push myself a lot farther then I ever thought I could before and that is so freaking awesome. Then all those endorphins kick in and man-oh-man, I am OBSESSED with running. Like, to the point that when I have a good run in the morning, all day I just day dream about the next time I can go running. It's a little sick, actually.

I'm a little nervous that I'll somehow lose that obsession. I've never actually been into any form of exercise before, besides lifting the remote or running after naughty patrons at the theater (not joking. I can spot a candy thief at the concessions bar from a distance of at least a mile...and I will RUN that bitch to stop somebody from stealing the $0.50 Ghirardelli chocolates. NOT IN MY HOUSE.....sorry, I have a lot of energy now that I run more. I yell and get excited about things quite often. Might also be due to my extreme increase in iron supplements, yeah anemia!).

So sorry...tangent....

What has also helped me get really into running is realizing all the really fun accessories one can buy. All optional, I don't necessarily need a Garmin watch to track my distance, but damnit, it's on the Christmas list and if Santa doesn't have it, I'll get it myself. Also....I got these new shoes to replace the old ones I've had for...ummm....five years..... The guy at the store definitely nodded and said "yep....you've definitely shot those to hell." That may have been where my back soreness was coming from when I first started getting into running.

So pretty and bright! My mom was excited cause I didn't buy black ones.

Other sweet side affects.....changes your fashion sense a bit.

My sister and I are ROCKING it here. You better believe I'll try running like that at least once. I don't think I've ever looked better.

Right now it's all basically an experiment with my body as I still have to deal with that cantankerous lame-o, Crohn's. She's a tough one. I can only really run in the morning as that's when my stomach is least sensitive. If I try to put the run off until after work, there's no guarantee my stomach won't be grumpy about something and I've learned not to run when she's grumpy. I can cause my stomach to bloat right out, all attractive like, and just cause way more discomfort than is necessary. I'm super happy about being on the iron supplements, though, as it means I don't feel like passing out from exhaustion or you know, vomiting and dying, after I run one mile. I thought that was normal at first until I talked to my sis-in-law, who's a runner, and she just gave me a look and said..."Ummm, no....that'd be anemia and that's not normal."

Lesson learned....exercise should NOT make you want to pass out and die.

Which is why I won't be doing another Bikram yoga class. After one hour I thought there might be a chance I'd have to make a break for it so as to not vomit on my other bendy class attendees. But a Bikram class is run kind of like a prison torture session, one doesn't really feel comfortable even looking at the exit because the teacher knows and he's watching you all the freaking time.

Anyways. I think my new year will definitely have some different exercise adventures mixed into it and I'm kind of getting hooked on this "sweating on purpose" thing. In February I'm meant to run the Disney Princess Half Marathon that my friend Caitlin had to convince me to sign up for by using really devious methods....she said to me "you get to dress like a princess and run around Disney World." aaaaaaand SOLD.

I am obviously just the coolest person ever...it's becoming abundantly clear.

Well if anybody has some great running blogs to send my way that can further encourage my new obsession, I am all for it. I've got a list going right now that I hope to upload onto this blog on the side in case anybody wants more fun reading material.

Gotta love working at a desk job, eh?
Lindsay

P.S. My current running mix that a FB friend asked for and I never posted cause I was too embarrassed...but as nobody really reads this blog, I have no fear. Enjoy the sweet, sweet tunes of my Hip Hop RUN playlist: Respect by Aretha Franklin (warm up walk for 2 minutes, start running when she gets to the spelling), Free Your Mind by En Vogue (I like rap music, wear hip hop clothes, that doesn't mean I'm out sellin' dope, no no no....no really, I wear tight clothes to run and rap at the same time, duh.), Pretty Girl Rock by Keri Hilson (you can't listen to this song as a girl, and not want to twirl your hair and run with a straight back looking all fly...if you can...then you suck), Try Again by Aaliyah, Whatta Man by Salt-n-Pepa featuring en Vogue, Put it on Me by Ja Rule (usually skip until the cool down at the end), Ignition (also used during cool down), Look at Me Now by Chris Brown (I hate that I love it so much, but I can't help it...Busta Rhymes is my favorite rapper to run to...), Down on Me featuring 50 cent (also guilty pleasure), then I round off the mix with Ready or Not by Bridgit Mendler because, let's face it, I need something girly after listening to only two rap songs that fuel me enough to make me want to punch something.

More running mix suggestions are always welcome!

Lame-O Photos for Blog Posts Never Done

You know you're obsessed with blogs and blogging when...you take really random photos all the time thinking "I'm totally going to blog about that." Oh yeah, I have a shit-ton of just...weird photos that I really can't think of what I'd write about using them.

So let's do a story!! In the 15 minutes before I have to go to work! Awww yeah...creativity....the nerds of NaNoWriMo would be so proud...


There once was a hipster princess....

 Except she didn't call herself that...cause....like....um, no. "Princess" are you kidding me? (Except deep down inside she always wanted to be a princess, even though the feminist movement says no, and the Court of Hipsters Who are Cooler Than You and You Just Don't Get It...also don't approve of princesses...but you know who does....

 Super awesome, semi-hipster theatre friends (HI RAVEN!! Miss you!). Sometimes they're hipster together and sometimes they dress up to go to a Murder Mystery Party because they're theatre people and that's totally okay that it was about Who Dunit instead of getting trashed....at 28. What? (Big 'ol shout out to Laura, a non-theatre person I might add, who let theatre people into her party. WHAT was she thinking?!)

So this hipster princess liked to experiment with stuff that looks like crap, but you can actually eat it. One day she made spaghetti squash bolognese and she managed to get her parents, who she lived with now (and that's totally okay, do you know what our economy is like right now people? God....backOFF), to actually eat it and like it. There was much joy in the kingdom.

 Except that a few days later, hipster princess found out she can't have tomatoes on a low FODMAP diet. Fuck you FODMAP. You RUIN EVERYTHING....
....except for Murder Mystery parties...there's been no research that says one can't enjoy a cocktail and some costumes.

 Yes that is a lion on hipster princess's shirt. What? She's a lion tamer...CLEARLY. For love of all things cat-like. BackOFF.

Hipster princess moved away from DC and dearly missed all the wonderful, magical parking tickets she got (DC, you are welcome for that $2,000 in parking ticket funds she provided you with)...she missed them so much, she made sure to get one when visiting Salem, MA.

 <<INSERT PICTURE OF SALEM, MA PARKING TICKET>>

(Oh yes I did take a picture of my ticket. For blogging purposes. Don't judge me asshole.)

                         (Did I ever mention that I'm overly paranoid? I know you're out there stalkers and you're not going to get me by checking out the license plate number on my parking ticket here. But just, in your mind, imagine a lovely strip of paper with "you suck at parking" written in glitter. That's how they roll in Salem. Seriously. Can't show you the photo though. Just take my word for it...)

 Pppsssshhh, $25 ain't nothing. It's like a souvenir. Except if you don't pay, the witches and the pirates will come after you.

 Hipster princess is apparently fond of Asshole Brad. (Awww yeah Rocky Horror Picture Show with PROPS. You make my theatre heart happy.)

The hipster princess went to get sage advice from the Great CharlieDog.  But he was asleep, per usual.  Nobody naps like a CharlieDog can nap.

 And nobody can take drunk photos with a friend dressed like a bee and not remember why exactly or where exactly, like hipster princess can. Talent. You gotta have it.

 (He's a violent bee....a stinger bee perhaps?) (HI KYLE! You're pretty. Like a princess, but not quite hipster princess. Lucky you.)

Then the hipster princess woke up, sobered up, and went to get some non stomach irritants at the store, where they keep the food. Hello Wegmans. You're my favorite. Bet nobody can tell what kind of diet hipster princess is on. She's not entirely sure either. But Gelato = low FODMAP, pumpkin puree, butternut squash, leeks, shallots = low fiber/low residue but not low FODMAP (fuck you FODMAP), grass fed frolicky pork meat, environmentally friendly and hipster friendly tuna and salmon, lemon, coconut milk, almond milk, all = low FODMAP & low residue....but that mint chocolate coconut milk is just pure pleasure. Have you tried it?? Thank you So Delicious. It's the bestthingever!

Except...it's not the best thing ever. In the land of hipster princess, Ben's Cookies are TheBestThingEver. You should pay a few hundred for the plane ticket to London, JUST TO GET THESE COOKIES.

Well, for cookies and for cheesy photo opportunities like this.

(I hope you caught on that I'm hipster princess. If not...you're kind of an idiot. We can definitely be friends. I give hugs to everyone, regardless of smarts or attention span.)

Cheers,
Lindsay