15 January 2013

Brainwashed to Like Running--Or, No Sane Person Would Choose to Do That

Note From--Saturday 12 January 2013

Dear Diary,

I reached a new all time high in my life. Like, without drug use. Or vodka. May wonders never cease.

I ran for an hour without stopping or taking a walk break. Let me repeat that again...I ran FOR AN HOUR STRAIGHT. Never in my life did I think I would be able to do that...let alone set out to do that and enjoy it the whole time. I ran a total of 5.4 miles around my block (yeah country living).

Side Note: At the time of this blog post publication, I ran another whole 5 FREAKING MILES just this very morning. WINNING. When do I get my award for throwing every gym teacher I've ever had for a loop. Surprise, bitches. I can run. Don't be hatin' haters. Additionally, had you told me I could drink more wine if I ran, I may have tried running sooner.

It was awesome and amazing and hard and not at all scary. Every now and then my brain would have a negative moment...I know, it's shocking to me too, but I sucked it up and just pumped the music a little louder while imagining 50 Cent out of breath behind me. His hot abs can't keep up with this hotness. No but seriously. Hot-ness. All decked out in purple.

Now running has become hard and fun. Poster child for AWESOMENESS, HERE I come!! I am really loving it. Even on rest days, all I do is think about running even when I can't.

I think I can confidently say that my brainwashing has been a success.

Now...I present to you, dear Diary....and blog readers, my brainwashing formula--patent pending:

How to Brainwash Yourself Into LOVING Running

1. Find friends who are just starting off, maybe who have only been running for a few months.
2. Talk to them about it excessively, figure out why they're insane. Try not to appear too stalkerish, restraining orders help nothing and only bring about negative feelings for everyone. Maybe just call their work number at random times, screaming "BUT WHHYYYY?! Why do you run like a crazy person? I thought we were so similar...now you're all smug-happy-runner. Stop it. I love you, show me your ways."
3. Maybe try your hand at running a mile on the treadmill. They say it's easier you know. When you fail, eat a pizza, drink some wine, and read up on why people are mental.
4. Pick up a copy of Runner's World Magazine. You may need to ask your helpful B&N bookseller where they are located. When they keep trying to re-route you over to the cake and baking magazine section, make sure to find someone else to help you on your quest. DON'T be sidelined by cakes. Once RW is in your hands, read inspirational stories...cry. Feel no shame about that, because God knows you cry more over Hallmark/Lifetime movies...better to move on to runner's stories. Your tears over that will make you skinnier.
5.Run an actual whole mile on the treadmill. Hate it for every step. Feel endorphins post-hate run, feel amazing and decide post-run is better.
6. Repeat 5 a lot more.
7. Somehow consider going longer than a mile when you realize your playlist is longer than that and you really want to jam out to just one more rap song.
8. Read up on fueling pre-run. Realize that does banish those feelings of dying mid and post run.
9. Read a self help book focused on positive mental imaging. Then have some vodka. Imagine you practically fly while running....and it shall be so, grasshopper. Especially after all that vodka.
10. Read running blogs.....a lot. Screw work or a social life...READ BLOGS. This will, in no way, hinder your social growth. Pinky swear.
11. Be convinced to sign up for an honest-to-God organized run. Mainly because it involves a cool/geeky/weird/scary aspect to it that appeals to you. Like one where you get to run in a tutu and tiara. GLITTER.
12. Freak out after you realize that you've just paid to be crazy. I love you, knees and will miss you dearly.
13. Finally get to the point where you think about running constantly. 
14. Run 3 miles for first time on treadmill and later realize that's a motherfucking 5k. Playawhat?
15. Submit to the fact that you are, indeed, brainwashed and love running. Eat some cake. Maybe have some more vodka, settle down here in the "yeah, sometimes I run" world...there's plenty other crazies to help you along in this addiction.

You are so welcome. 

Additionally...sometimes it helps running to Respect by Aretha and, surprisingly enough, I'm Every Woman by Whitney Houston...."why yes, Whitney, I am every woman. And some of them run. Represent."

This overly long blog post is brought to you by,
A lot of caffeine.



  1. I absolutely love this!! I sadly relate to everything you said about being brainwashed into loving to run. I find myself thinking about when the next time I'm going to run is. Or trying to bring it up in normal conversation. :)

  2. Yeah, as long as I keep reading different blogs about running and keep having good runs, I always want to talk about it. Half my friends are accepting of this and the other half think I'm crazy. It hasn't helped that I've found I love to buy things for running too...clothes and for Christmas I just got a Garmin. Currently obsessing over all things "compression"...

  3. Oh! Additionally...I've bought a foam roller...but having been using it as a monologue helper instead of what it was intended for. Haven't figured out how to use it yet, though I've watched plenty of videos about it! I'll get it soon enough.