**NOTE: This was originally supposed to be posted on Sunday when I was in London. However, I do not know how technology works and therefore it did not go up then. So just pretend it's Sunday and let the humor wash over you like a gentle rain while you enjoy your hot coffee and pancakes.
I feel like I need to have a weekly "Confessional" post. Purge myself of all the stupid stuff I've done that week and to make others just feel dandy and smart about all their decisions in life. Unless you're doing drugs. Even I'm not that stupid. Stop it.
Fun side fact: Raised Catholic and when to Catholic school until I was 10. Did not understand the point of confessional every month. I actually made shit up to confess because I couldn't come up with any good examples in my real life (probably the start of my self-involvement. In my world, I am a darling angel.) Some examples: "Ummm, I broke a vase." "I lied to my Mom about it." Repeat that every month. I wonder if the priest ever caught on or just thought I was a household deviant.
1. Past weekend. Went to a bachelorette party where, when I was not even drunk, I proceeded to chuck my iPhone into the hot tub. Nothing really tops the humor in hearing four girls screeching "where is it? I GOT IT, I GOT IT!" We're adults, and we know how to party.
2. Monday. Decided I would be going on a diet to lose ten pounds by end of June, just in time for one of my best friend's wedding where I will be attending dateless. Promptly opened a bottle of red wine. Probably doubled my calories for the day. Diet win.
3. Tuesday, no coffee, only two cups of tea. Attempted to lock front door of house by clicking my car key fob at it. Seriously.
4. Tuesday. Convo with sis: Her-"I really wish I lived back then." (In regards to the 1920s in Syracuse) Me-"I don't wish I lived then. But I do wish I was the doctor's companion and could travel back then for a little fun." .........yup. Crickets.
5. Tuesday. Sis and I could not figure out if the spot on the carpet was dog pee. Stuck my nose in it. Definitely dog pee.
6. Wednesday. When I was driving around looking for food after my dentist appointment, I actually said out loud to myself "I need something to put in my mouth to counteract this cleanliness." I pulled over to have a good laugh. Couldn't figure out who to call to relay the dirty joke I told myself, so I'll just leave it here.
7. Wednesday Night. Found leftover package of Marshmallow Peckers from bachelorette party. Talked my little sister into making a s'more out of them. Couldn't stop making penis jokes in front of my parents. This is what happens when you live at home as an adult. Good, wholesome, family fun. I do believe I told my Mom that my marshmallow was a ten-second man.