Focus in Chaos

March is going entirely too fast for me. This is how it always is around this time of year. This season is always distinguishable to me, not as soon-to-be-spring as most people see it, but as the time of year that I make my annual visit to England.

Every year, sometime between February and June, seems to be the best time for a visit to me.

An opera singer in Covent Garden. Taken during my visit to London last year.

It also happens to be audition season for grad schools.

It has has been my goal to get my masters degree for awhile. All I can think about the past few years is going back to school. The only two things I've ever wanted to get a masters degree in is acting (UK only) and creative writing (or if I was super rich, Victorian Literature...cause it'd be awesome to study, but honestly....I'd have more luck getting a job as an actor than as someone with an MA in Victorian Lit. Who doesn't want to teach.)

I've worked so many, vastly different jobs, and the ones that always stick to my ribs and keep me warm at night are the ones in theatre. I'm fairly certain I could be content working in any position in  a theater and be happy with it. Much more than an office job anyways.

But my true love is acting. I love the process that precedes the performance before a live audience. The creative part. Where you pick apart the words and figure out a way to make the vision in your head something that anyone can see, even if you are dissimilar from the audience in the way you view the world. That's one of the beauties of theatre. We could have completely different views on the world, but you take these written words and you find a way to convey them to your audience. To make them real. To make them dance and engulf others in another world.

Essentially, I've always seen acting as an extension of my love of reading. I want to show others what I see in my head when I absorb the words on the page.

Someday, I aim to publish something myself (hey, there NaNoWriMo, I will finish you someday!!) But that's not what I want my life focus to be.

I'm someone who cannot create an original piece without first moving about and acting out as the character. My improv class in college had a much deeper effect on me than originally intended. Whenever I go to write something, I have a scene in mind, something that has tickled my fancy. The only way for me to put words down on the page is to imagine it as a playing scene. Sometimes I act out a bit of the characters personality out loud and imagine what it's like to be them and how others would react to this character, and that is how I can create a story.

But the best part is always the acting out.

So to school I want to go. But I have my heart set on it being a British school (as Great Britain is where I want to settle, where I've felt most at home). I have my favorites, two in London, one in Wales, and one in Scotland. Only, I feel so out of depth in applying for these schools. It's like I'm back applying to study abroad for my junior year of college, uncertain of who would take me because of my academic standing (always been average, scraping by on a 2.9 GPA) and my lack of experience in any field. I've done so many different things, but never for very long or in depth.

I'm hoping grad school will see things different. Will see my life experience as I do, as something that has shown my passion and my dedication through my willingness to take any job that allows me the freedom of creativity. Just to work in theatre, I've juggled five jobs at once.

It was certainly my most favorite time period. Four hours of sleep at night, working two different theaters  and three other jobs to support those two jobs. I was on a caffeine high like no other. It was fantastic in its own chaotic way. (Surprisingly, my Crohn's was very well behaved on a diet of pastries, coffee, candy and quick carbs made at home. Weird.)

Now I'm at home, working one job, trying for community theatre, but craving education and development. It's agonizing. I don't want to do anything else.

So of course that makes the application process so difficult. In, past years, it's been so stressful that I haven't gone through with it. Just said fuck it, I'll just stick to working in the real world. Who would actually believe that I'm worthy of advanced education?....Except, now....I believe I'm worth it.

I always find it funny how, when I express my desire to others to get advanced education most people are quite enthusiastic and supportive of the idea, but as soon as I say "I want my MA in acting"...shit gets real. Real quiet. Then the "ummm maybe something else..." starts creeping into conversations. Funny that.

So yes...this long post was really just an explanation as to why I'm flaky and stressed and drink too much wine right around this time of year. It's all for Britain.

Soon though, no matter if I audition for schools or not, I'll be headed to London for my annual visit. A visit I can't miss or else I forget all good things in life.

Weird how that works.

Xxxxx Lindsay